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No Common Goals
from:Usually when you marry someone it is with the belief you have common goals. Some people spend months talking about what they hope to achieve as a couple. They talk about having children, their financial goals and common interests among other topics. Some couples don't take the time to do this kind of planning though and simply fall in love and get married. They let the chips fall where they may so to speak.
Though there are millions of successful marriages between people who did not do any pre-planning, there are plenty of marriages that have failed as a result of lack of goal setting. But there is another twist on the problem found in marriages also. Some couples come to feel they don't have any common goals. This can be a serious problem because it affects some of the most important issues in a marriage. For example, when you want children and he doesn't it can cause a huge rift in the marriage.
When you get married there is always an unspoken common goal – to stay married! No one gets married expecting to get divorced. But when you don't have common goals it can be difficult to keep a marriage healthy because you are each working to achieve a different result. You may want to achieve financial independence and your spouse likes to spend money which limits the amount that can be saved. Your husband may want to build a career that requires long hours at work and you want him to be more committed to family time.
Creating a Vision
If you begin with the fact that your marriage did have one main common goal, you can begin to build a new set of goals no matter how long you have been married. Often it is not that you don't have common goals, it is that you perceive common goals are missing from the picture. In other words, if you don't talk to your spouse about specific goals then you are making assumptions that may or may not be true. It is important to have one-on-one conversations about your marriage goals. You need to listen to your spouse's needs and feelings about issues and then share yours. From there you can begin look for those points where your goals meet.
It can be very surprising to discover that you and your spouse might have a lot more in common then you believe. There are always going to be difficult issues to deal with in a marriage, but you certainly cannot make any progress on them if they are not dealt with directly. If you reach an impasse while trying to establish common goals then it is recommended that you seek marriage counseling. With marriage counseling you can learn how to seek compromises on major issues. Sometimes solving problems requires just taking a different approach or viewpoint.
Constant Review
One reason couples come to believe they don't have common goals is because they don't take the time to re-evaluate their goals over time. For example, you both want children and then proceed to raise a family. But once the children leave home and that goal has been met and completed, there should already be new goals in place. Your new goals can address things like how to spend more time together or how to plan for retirement. You can talk about things like whether it's time to downsize or new activities you would like begin including volunteer time or seeking a new job.
In other words if you spend the time to search for common goals, you will most likely find plenty of them. You should identify your common goals and then prioritize them. You should also make sure you include your personal goals in the discussion. You cannot ignore your personal needs and expect to be able to build a strong marriage.
When you feel as if you have no common goals with your spouse, it's time to re-assess the situation. When you married you felt as if you did have the same vision and sometimes it is just a matter of needing to revamp that vision as time goes by. Your marriage must be nurtured in order to stay strong and healthy. If you take the time to communicate with your spouse on a regular basis, including the future of the marriage, you will create a lasting and loving relationship.
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