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Violent Responses in the Domestic Setting
from:Domestic violence occurs all to often in the home. Domestic violence and abuse can take many forms too. It can be abuse that is physical, emotional, mental or sexual. Despite what many courts seem to believe a husband can rape a wife, because rape occurs when the wife indicates she does not want sex and he forces himself on her anyway. A marriage certificate does not change the definition of rape.
But domestic violence includes a lot more than just sexual abuse. A spouse can be physically abusive or constantly belittle you in a campaign to ruin your self-esteem. The abuse is intended to enable the spouse to gain control. That is what domestic violence is really all about - gaining control and power over the marital partner.
There are many documented behaviors that are typical of an abuser. For example, an abuser will often yell and call the spouse awful names. If you are abused, you feel as if you must always tiptoe around your spouse so you don’t set off an unwanted response. One wrong word or action can trigger an episode, but worse is the fact that many times there is simply no warning at all. An abuser will cut you off from your family and friends, maintains control of everything in the household including the money and will have frequent mood swings.
Secret Pain
It is amazing how many stories are told about domestic violence incidents after a divorce. Many times people in violent marriages just endure the physical and emotional pain and misery I silence. In most cases, domestic violence involves the man exerting power over the woman. The man controls everything in the household including the children and the mother will not leave her children. Often the domestic violence is endured because self-esteem is so eroded that the woman feels she has no options.
Unfortunately domestic violence can also include violent activity between parents and children. Child abuse is a growing problem and it is violence inflicted on a child. In some families it is the teenagers who are violent and attack their parents. In other words domestic violence can take many forms but the result is the same – a family living in misery.
Confronting the Issues
All too often a woman refuses to admit to others her husband is abusive. She may feel embarrassment, worry about extended family responses or fear reprisals and an escalation of violence. Once a spouse admits that domestic violence exists within the marriage, the abusive spouse has lost his or her first level of control in some way. By admitting that there is a problem that must be addressed, the abused spouse can begin to make plans for escape.
A marriage that is abusive can be saved, but only if the abuser is willing to get help. No one deserves to be abused and no one should be forced to live in an abusive situation. That means the abused partner must remover herself from the abusive setting. The first requirement should be that the abuser must get regular counseling before returning to the marriage.
Every state in the USA has laws and shelters that are intended to protect people from spouses who are abusive. If you don’t have any family that can provide refuge, there are thousands of shelters that can take battered women and their children on a regular basis. In fact the shelters are more prepared to deal with the reaction of the abusive spouse after discovering their wife has left the marriage.
Many abusers learn through counseling how to deal with their emotional problems and the need to control and abuse women. Many counseling sessions start with just the abuser attending, and then you begin joint sessions with your spouse when the counselor indicates it is safe to do so.
Saving the Marriage Despite the Odds
Many times an abuser who gets therapy discovers the control issues go back to childhood. To end the abuse means understanding what has led to abuse in the adult life. Abuse begets abuse. People who grow up in abusive families are more likely to be abusive.
An abusive man or woman is emotionally ill. It is not an easy problem to deal with but when you want to save your marriage, it’s a problem that must be confronted right away. The important thing to remember is that if you are abused, you should remove yourself from the home immediately and then work on solving the problem. You should never stay in an abusive marriage.
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