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Separated But Not Permanently Broken
from:Sometimes couples decide they need to separate to take a break from the pain of a marriage in trouble. This tactic may be seen as necessary in some cases such as where the children are suffering due to the constant arguing or life has become unbearable in your eyes. But a separation does not have to turn into a divorce. It can truly be treated as a time for reflection and to find some temporary breathing room.
Sometimes you have to step back from a problem in order to solve it. When immersed in your marriage and problems keep careening out of control, sometimes it can be beneficial to temporarily separate. But the key word is “temporarily”. A separation can be a chance to take stock of the situation and find some emotional calm, but it should not be viewed as a first step towards divorce.
The Right Attitude
Your attitude towards separation can become a self-fulfilling prophesy. If you see separation as just one step in the divorce process, then chances are you will end up divorced. But if you look at separation as a time where your spouse and you can learn to appreciate each other again and work on problems, then divorce is not inevitable. Of course, one of the drawbacks to separation, even with the right attitude, is that you are not living with your spouse which can make it more difficult to jointly address some problems.
While separated, it is recommended that you and your spouse seek counseling. Obviously, your marriage has deep and difficult problems if you have separated. Getting as much as possible in order to work through those problems is critical. Counseling will also insure that you both continue talking to each other as you work through your problems together.
It can be tempting while separated to dwell on the wrong kinds of thoughts. That’s where attitude comes into play again. For example, if you spend your time convincing yourself that your spouse can never change, then you are not giving the marriage a real chance to heal. When you concentrate on the past, and don’t see the future as full of change and new possibilities, then you once again are creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Talking Again
During separation both husband and wife should make a real effort to talk regularly. Now is a great time to begin opening what have been closed lines of communication. The separation has temporarily relieved some of the stress of daily arguing and feeling locked into an impossible situation. That can actually make it easier to begin discussion about marital issues.
Your goal should be to stop divorce. The one thing you have to be wary of is believing that the temporary state of being single is indicative of how life will be if you get a divorce. Single life is not easy in this day and age. You married each other because you saw yourselves as compatible, loving and ready to spend the rest of your lives together. Once you have found these kinds of feelings, it is difficult to feel as satisfied as a single person. And a temporary separation does not truly show you what life would be like if single.
The Big Picture
One of the goals of separation should be looking at the bigger picture. When you are living together, the day to day activities and the ongoing problems can make it difficult to keep a perspective on the marriage. When you lose sight of the good points and focus on the negative or don’t focus at all, it is too easy to forget the value of the marriage. There’s a reason why you fell in love. There’s a reason why you have been married for years. There’s a reason why you have brought children into the world as husband and wife. You both had common goals and dreams and your marriage was the way you decided together to pursue them.
Being separated is painful and relieving at the same time. The important point is to use this time to re-open, not avoid, communication with your spouse. You should also spend this time re-evaluating yourself. It takes two to have a marriage and it takes two to have marital problems. That means you have played a role in the issues which have arisen over the years.
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