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I Told You "No Kids"
from:Deciding to start a family is a huge decision. When people get married the discussions about children can take several routes.
• Agree to wait a few years
• Start a family immediately
• Not have children
• Decide later on whether to have children
Unfortunately what you agree to when young, in love and ready to get married may not be what you want down the road. People change their minds all the time, but in this case it is a change that has a lifelong impact on your spouse too. When problems often start in this area is when one person changes their mind and the other person holds their original position. For example, you agreed to not have children but as the years pass, you change your mind. Your spouse on the other hand is still feeling the same way. This can create a terrible impasse.
If you didn't talk about whether you want children before you got married, you can run into the same situation. One spouse may want children and the other doesn't. There can even be arguments about how many children to have and when to have them. This is a very emotional issue that can cause a lot of pain and heartache if not handled the right way. More than one divorce has resulted from being unable to resolve the issue of having
children.
Most Important Decision
When you and your spouse cannot agree on having a baby, it's important to extensively discuss the subject. Having a baby is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. Deciding to have a baby is a lifelong commitment to raise, care for and love that child the rest of your life. It can be so distressing to feel the call to parenthood only to have your spouse remind you that he or she said "No kids!"
Spouses who change their minds after getting married on the issue of having children can go through a lot of anxiety and unhappiness when their spouse sticks with the original plan. It's hard when you are young to anticipate the pressures of growing older and coming to the understanding that biology will negate the option eventually. So many spouses begin a campaign to talk their husband and wife into changing their mind about having children.
You can't force someone to want children. But you can thoroughly explore the feelings in order to uncover the real reasons why a spouse does not want children. Sometimes the husband or wife is saying "no kids" out of fear and not an aversion to children. If the fears can be overcome, the spouse might change their mind or at least agree to reconsider within a set timeframe.
The Right Reasons
A spouse can have many reasons why he or she is not interested in having children. For example, there may be problems that have carried over from their own childhood. Or the spouse is not ready to make the financial commitment. Some spouses are just fearful of the idea of being responsible for a new human being that will be totally dependent. Still others may be unwilling to change their lifestyle to accommodate adding a child to the family.
It is common for spouses to deadlock on this issue. You can't force someone to want a child and irresolution can lead to divorce. But there should be many steps taken before such a radical decision such as divorce is taken. Sometimes identifying the true reason for not wanting children, as opposed to the stated reason, can lead to a compromise. For example, if your spouse is afraid of the financial commitment you can agree to wait a specified period of time and then re-evaluate the financial situation. In the meantime you can work with your spouse to insure your household budget is ready to add a new baby.
Of course, when someone simply doesn't want to give up their freedom it can be more difficult to compromise. Having a baby is a very definite lifestyle change. As parents your whole life will revolve around the child for a long while so the marriage must be rock solid. Having a baby is never a fix for marital problems.
If you cannot work out a solution on your own, it's important to consult with a marriage counselor or therapist. You do not want to try to live in disagreement the rest of your life without taking every step possible to come to terms on this issue. The fact is that this decision cannot be postponed forever due to physical reasons.
There is no easy answer to the problem of one spouse wanting children and the other holding a tough "no kids" posture. But you owe it to your marriage to do everything you can to resolve this important issue. By seeking counseling you can prevent a life of unhappiness or even stop divorce.
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